Normalizing Failure by Embracing Trying
Normalizing Failure by Embracing Trying
By Emily Cohn
Everyone has a different definition of failure based on life experiences. For the purposes of this article, failure is giving up on the second attempt. This is a necessary distinction because I am aware that many people see many things as “failures” that I do not. People see losing as failure, people see coming in second as failure, some people may even see a B+ as failure. If the previous examples describe you, please go to my last article about unlearning. Thinking about failure in such a negative way is something that almost everyone needs to unlearn.
Let’s take a look at what happens to our brains when we consider failure to be this terrible result that we never want to experience. In this scenario, we are likely saying things like “don’t do that” or “you can’t do that”. Rather than expressing a negative, you have to tell yourself what you WANT to happen, instead of thinking about the things you don’t want to happen. Anyone who has worked with me will know this is my number one tip no matter the desired goal. Our brains haven’t figured out how to interpret the “don’t” in a command. Negative self-talk is simply the focus on what you don’t want to happen, not necessarily something like “I’m so stupid for doing this” (which is also negative self-talk, just not what we are referencing here). Similarly, positive self-talk may receive a reputation for being overtly warm and fluffy, when in reality, it is simply stating what you want the outcome of your action to be.
With all of this understanding of what is going on in our brain, the next logical step is to understand that if we are constantly trying to avoid failures (losing, coming in second, B+) we may be subconsciously manifesting them. This is why I am pushing to not only normalize failure, but also to transitioning the way we think about failure as being associated with giving up. Humans are extraordinarily resilient no matter the obstacle. Part of that resiliency comes from learning from our mistakes. Think about that first time someone was burned sticking their hand in fire, if they saw that as a failure and gave up who knows where humans would be today! Instead, humans continued to make fires and used something other than their hands to put directly in the fire. If we continue to think of mistakes as failures to be avoided, we may be missing important lessons that spur growth and future success.
So why would giving up on a second attempt be considered a failure? This, in my mind, would be one of the only times it would be reasonable to see failure in a negative light. If you attempt to achieve a goal, there is an external or internal motivation for trying. If you struggle on the first try and make no further attempts to achieve the same goal, that could certainly be considered a failure. Only once you have tried something twice, at the very minimum, can you then determine whether you need to really adjust what you are doing or move on to something entirely different. During your first attempt, you are still learning about an environment and yourself. Most people are unable to do anything perfectly on the first attempt and pushing through a second attempt will help to focus on the most beneficial way to achieve your goal.
Somewhere along the way we have all forgotten that progress requires trying new things. Trying has lost or maybe never had the real recognition that it deserves. Trying in and of itself is a huge accomplishment that should be praised. However, these days I feel like if you do something for the first time and you don’t do it perfectly it’s a failure (negative self-talk) when in reality you are just giving it your first try (positive self-talk). Let’s focus more on the phrase “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” rather than “practice makes perfect”. No one has figured out perfect, and even your role models who you may describe as perfect are likely striving for something different. Focus on trying, do your best, and normalize failure. This mindset will only help you be calmer and progress faster in whatever you are trying to achieve.